"Who wears the pants?": Marianne Weber's ideas of Authority and Autonomy on same-sex marriage

  

The image above depicts a lesbian couple posed on a picnic blanket in front of a big rock. They sit on a beach, with the ocean blurred in the background. A wicker basket of flowers is to (the viewers) right of them, a symbol for their engagement photoshoot. One girl has long brown hair and wears a patterned shirt and skinny black jeans; her leg and tattooed arm wraps around the other girl sitting down. The girl closer to the camera has long blonde hair and wears a short pink dress; her head is turned halfway to facing her partner. They are laughing together, glowing with their love for each other and excitement for the future. On the top left hand corner reads a common question lesbian couples are asked: “Who wears the pants in your relationship?” 

Marianne Weber discusses traditional marriage norms in her "Authority and Autonomy in Marriage: Translation with Introduction and Commentary." She follows the history of our patriarchal society and Christianity’s influence on gender norms and power dynamics within marriage. She discusses authority claiming that authority and autonomy exist together but are not compatible because historically over time the authority principle overtakes. The traditional marriage model of authority is one where the husband holds the power, and the wife yields to his command. (Weber and Bermingham: 2003) He is the breadwinner, she is the stay at home mom, making sure to have meals prepared for his arrival home from work. She states “the oldest, conscious structuring of sexual relations was created everywhere out of the natural relation of power: the so-called legitimate marriage as an insurance of certain women and their children against the polygamous drives of the husband.” (Weber 2003: 87) Women become the property of their husband within a marriage, being ruled economically and socially. Tracing the history of monogamy, she highlights Romans desire for it because of the legal property relations it helps establish which developed into the Christians desire for legalizing monogamy. (Weber and Bermingham 2003) Marianne Weber argues that a true marriage between man and woman should be a spiritual connection where both partners have autonomy and are seen equally. 

Societal attitudes and laws have progressed greatly, yet the norms from patriarchal society have remained ingrained in marriage, even in same-sex relations. Same-sex marriage was legalized in 2015 with the Supreme Court ruling of Obergefell v. Hodges. With this legalization societal norms have shifted to a more inclusive idea of marriage. Yet, patriarchal and heterosexual themes of marriage underlie expectations for same-sex relationships, even from the queer community itself. So Weber’s importance for autonomy for a woman from a man is just as important for two women with each other. The quote at the top of the picture is something that lesbians get asked frequently: “who wears the pants in the relationship?”, or sometimes “who’s ‘the man’ in your relationship?” Both of these statements bring in the idea that for a relationship to function you need a man or someone acting like a man. The people asking this question are trying to understand who plays the role of a stereotypical breadwinning man: Who makes the money? Who takes care of the house? Who makes the decisions?, etc. The authoritative relationship between man and woman that Weber highlights is assumed for queer couples. Even in progressive circles relationships are viewed through authoritative gender dynamics.

Rae, Clarisse. 2020. "Laguna Beach Engagement Photos | Hayley & Sarah." Clarisse Rae Photo & Video. Retrieved April 18, 2025 (https://clarisserae.com/2020/12/02/laguna-beach-engagement-photos-hayley-sarah/).​

Weber, M., & Bermingham, C. R. (2003). "Authority and Autonomy in Marriage: Translation with Introduction and Commentary."  Sociological Theory, 21(2), 85–102.