Save your tears for the pillow!: Emotional Regulation and the Division of the Sacred and Profane [Revised]

Lily Ader

According to Mary Douglas, "The body is a model which can stand for any bounded system," and how we interpret rituals, "concerning excreta, breast milk, saliva and the rest," is symbolic of how the body acts as a proxy to society, in how society commands it to be regulated (Douglas 2002: 142). The ritual of hiding one's emotions, particularly sadness, anger, or any other emotion that might elicit crying, wiping, or holding back tears, is one example of a ritual that symbolizes society's value of emotions. The following image and caption are particularly apt in representing this concept concerning norms around crying.

Miller, Abby Lee. 2015. "Dance Moms Ugly Cry GIF." GIPHY

    

The above image features Abby Lee Miller from the reality television show Dance Moms on Lifetime, which features the Abby Lee Dance Company Elite Competition team, under the coaching of Abby Lee Miller, accompanied by their mothers. Here, she commands the young dancers of the Abby Lee Dance Company Elite Competition not to cry during a rehearsal, for an upcoming competition, in her presence. Here is just one of many times that Abby says this to her dancers, likely provoked by one of the dancers crying due to the stress of the environment. Abby Lee Miller is known for her harsh and sometimes abusive teaching methods, often prompting crying in the young dancers featured on Dance Moms. Abby Lee Miller has a whole swath of famous quotes, but the quotation featured in this image represents Douglas's elaboration on Durkheim's ideas of the sacred and profane. Here, tears and crying are the bodily functions and excretion that Abby commands the girls to regulate through ritual. The ritual of regulation is holding back tears and waiting for a moment alone to express emotions of sadness, anger, and frustration through crying. 

Crying more broadly represents expressing emotions and vulnerability in this context and displays how robust systems within society view vulnerability as a weakness. One might also interpret the command of "saving your tears for the pillow" as symbolic of the general devaluation of emotional intelligence and sensitivity in the professional world. Being vulnerable by displaying one's emotions and being emotionally intelligent are traditionally associated with femininity and therefore are devalued. Furthermore, Abby communicating to her students that they must manage their emotions in a public space like a dance rehearsal or competition, is an early lesson in emotional labor. In The Managed Heart Arlie Hochschild describes emotional labor as the practice of managing one's emotions within the workplace, or requiring workers to, "induce or suppress feeling in order to sustain the outward countenance that produces the proper state of mind in others," (Hochschild 2012, 7). According to Hochschild, emotional labor is one of the many ways that people become alienated from their labor within capitalism, and even become detached from their own emotions. Where these girls are taught suppress and manage their emotions in exchange for praise, and to avoid bereavement from Abby in this setting, one day the skill of emotional labor will have a transactional benefit from their employers. 

Additionally, the construct of professionalism often has to do with the ability of employees to obey the commands of higher-ups, and vulnerability is often seen as impetuous to that goal. The command for management of emotions, through the proxy of the excretion of tears, is largely representative emotions, subjectivity, and "feeling" are systemically devalued and looked down upon. As a dance coach, Abby Lee Miller is enforcing in her dancers the ritual of regulating the bodily function of crying as a proxy for regulating all of their emotions. Furthermore,  Abby Lee Miller claims that this type of advice (command) is intended to instill professionalism, as well as the skill of emotional repression in the name of emotional labor, in her dancers, connecting back to the idea that rituals around bodily functions are symbolic of specific societal structures. 

Sources: 

Douglas, Mary E. 2002. "External Boundaries." Pp. 141-159. Purity and Danger. Routledge Classics.

Hochschild, Arlie Russell. 2012. The Managed Heart. University of California Press.